Requiem For A Cartman
by anxresi
Summary: A strange girl from Cartman's past comes back into his life. But who is she, and how will this new arrival impact him and the people round him? Rated T for mild swearing and content.


Chapter 1: An Unexpected Reunion

Catman was in a good mood. It was raining cats and dogs, but he didn't care. He was running down to the bus stop armed with his usual assortment of Jew puns for Kyle and insults about being poor for Kenny. Stan was so middle of the road and average he could never think of anything to throw at him, stupid bastard. Eric knew he was superior to this bunch of losers, why he was friends with that lot when he could do a lot better was a complete mystery. Lucky for them he guessed. While running all this over in his mind he suddenly felt a pain in his stomach. Fact is, the tragic fatass could only jog for about 5 minutes before his humungous weight made him completed exhausted. So he collapsed in that very spot.. and the last thing he heard before he fell into unconsciousness was the sound of breaking china.

A sudden gush of water woke Cartman up. He spluttered before opening his eyes, to be confronted with the face of a very pissed off little girl with a empty teapot over his head. She had blonde hair and a little pink ribbon which would have made her angelic under normal circumstances, if it was not for the deep shade of scarlet her face was. Before Cartman could move or even think he felt a wellington boot connect with his special area. "OW Quit it!!" he said, getting unhappy flashbacks of the time he had his ass handed to him on a plate by one Wendy Testaburger "What's your problem, you dumb bitch?" "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO LADY PEE PEE" she responded in a sweet but shrill voice. "Huh?" replied Eric, looking around him for the first time and surveying the destruction.

All around him were squashed cakes, pieces of smashed crockery and.. what looked like assorted limbs. "Oh F***" he thought, "I haven't bust my balls have I?" Quickly checking himself over, he came to the conclusion that these body parts weren't his. Besides, they were made of plastic, and far too small for someone of his advanced size. They must be.. " Oh, have I hurt your dolly?!" he exclaimed, putting two and two together " Well BOO HOO.. shall I kiss it better? Have you got medical insurance for it?" he said, barely disguising his contempt for this pussy bitch. While getting himself up, he realised he had several flat fairy cakes stuck to his posterior, which he quickly deposited in his mouth. Waste not, want not after all.

All this time, the little girl was slowly but surely turning redder and redder, until she finally cracked under the pressure of Eric's jibes and went for him. Before he knew what had hit him, Cartman felt a mass of curls and pink dress collide with his obese frame, and the two of them were rolling around in the wet grass. Now Eric was probably the most cunning and ruthless 8 year old you could ever hope (not) to meet. After all, this is the guy who had made Scott Tenorman eat his parents at a so-called chilli cookout. But in a fistfight he was worse than useless, so he had choice but to take this prissy princess's slaps while she shouted hysterically at him. "SHE'LL NEVER WET HER DIAPER AGAIN" and "THAT WAS MY MOMMY'S BEST CHINA YOU HORRIBLE BOY"

Fortunately, most of the blows connected with his prodigious girth, so he was able (albeit with some difficulty) to pick himself up yet again from the sodden dirt. Sick of being embarrassed by this stupid little bitch, he then took the decision to sit on her while she was flailing around on the ground like a fish out of water. He started shouting at her " CALM DOWN YOU DUMB HO, IT'S ONLY A.." He stopped. There was something familiar about those eyes. He observed her again.. the yellow tresses, the turned up nose, the birthmark on the neck.. Holy Jesus Christ Monkey Balls. He couldn't believe it. It couldn't be her. Not after all this time. He thought she'd gone for good. Yet here she was in the flesh. He suddenly felt his throat go dry, and his vision turned misty. He looked her square in the eye and said.. V..Victoria?

Who is this mysterious girl? What is her connection to The Lard Butt? Where can I get myself one of them Lady Pee Pees? And why the hell am I writing this anyway when I could be playing Xbox 360 games on my brand new 40 inch Sony Bravia? All these (and more) may be revealed in time, if I can get be bothered to write a second chapter. Stay tuned folks..


End file.
